Humour Page 3

NEW LYRICS TO BEATLES SONG
YESTERDAY

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday. Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.

Why ARE Men Happier?

Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car Mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conservations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all of your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter what how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

No wonder men are happier.

Two guys are approaching each other on the sidewalk and both are dragging their right foot as they walk.

As they meet, one looks at the other knowingly, points to his right foot and says, "Land mine, Vietnam, 1969."

The other hooks his thumb over his shoulder and says, "Dog poop, 20 feet back, lookout."

Odd Signs From England

1. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

2. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs

3. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

4. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break staff should empty the tea pot and stand upside down on the draining board.

5. OUTSIDE A FARM: Horse manure -50 pence per pre-packed bag; 20 pence do-it-yourself.

6. ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)

7. ENGLISH SIGN IN A GERMAN CAFE: Mothers, Please Wash Your Hans Before Eating.

8. OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

9. OUTSIDE A NEW TOWN HALL WHICH WAS TO BE OPENED BY THE PRINCE OF WALES: The Town Hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.

10. OUTSIDE A PHOTOGRAPHER'S STUDIO: Out to lunch. If not back by five, out for dinner also.

11. SEEN AT THE SIDE OF A SUSSEX ROAD: Slow cattle crossing. No overtaking for the next 100 yrs.

12. OUTSIDE A DISCO: Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town .Everyone welcome.

13. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.

14. NOTICE SENT TO RESIDENTS OF A WILTSHIRE PARISH: Due to increasing problems with litter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.

15. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

16. ON A MOTORWAY GARAGE: Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is.

17. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.

18. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car

19. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

20. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

21. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

22. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)

23. SIGN AT A NORFOLK FARM GATE: Beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser and the ninth one has just left!

24. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

The Washington Post readers

were asked to tell Gen-Xers how much harder they had it in the old days:

Second Runner-Up: In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction.

First Runner-Up: In my day we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right you'd weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were way too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today.......

And the WINNER of the velour bicentennial poster: In my day, we didn't have no rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.

Honourable Mentions:

1. In my day, we didn't have dogs or cats. All I had was Silver Beauty, my beloved paper clip. Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle to get all excited about. We had to settle for men walking on the crummy moon.
2. In my day, we didn't have days. There was only time for work, time for prayer and time for sleep. The sheriff would go around and tell everyone when to change.
3. In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes drenched in melted fat from those animals. And we're all as strong as AAGGKK-GAAK Urrgh. Thud.
4. In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated.
5. In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms.
6. In my day, we didn't have Strom Thurmond. Oh, wait. Yes we did.
7. Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise.
8. Back in my day, '60 Minutes' wasn't just a bunch of grey-haired liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of grey-haired liberal 60-year-old guys.
9. In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an axe, you just had to hope you could outrun him.

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken." You've got to have a room somewhere." He pleaded to the last hotel manager, "Or just a bed--I don't really care where. I'm completely exhausted" "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and I'm sure he would be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained all week. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired traveller assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager asked him how he survived. "Never better." John said.

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope. I shut him up in no time."

"How'd you manage that?"

"He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Good night, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied. "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

Not long ago and not far away Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems every where... four of the elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.... then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit...this stressed Santa even more...when he went to harness the reindeer he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out heaven knows where...more stress. And then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards on the sleigh cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered all the toys...so, frustrated Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey...but he found that the elves had hit the liquor cupboard and there was nothing there to drink...and in his frustration he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor... he went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door...he opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

And the angel said: Santa, where would you like me to put this Christmas tree??

And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree....

ABBOTT AND COSTELLO
MEET WINDOWS 95

• Costello: Hey, Abbott!
• Abbot: Yes, Lou?
• Costello: I just got my first computer.
• Abbot: That's great Lou. What did you get?
• Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM.
• Abbot: That's terrific, Lou
• Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!!
• Abbot: You will in time.
• Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.
• Abbot: Oh?
• Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
• Abbot: Well, I don't know-
• Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.
• Abbot: Really?
• Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
• Abbot: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?
• Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.
• Abbot: That's true.
• Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?
• Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and then-
• Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
• Abbot: I know, you press the Start button-
• Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.
• Abbot: I did.
• Costello: When?
• Abbot: When I told you to press the Start button.
• Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
• Abbot: To shut off the computer.
• Costello: I press Start to stop.
• Abbot: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.
• Costello: I knew it! So what do I press.
• Abbot: Start
• Costello: Start what?
• Abbot: Start button.
• Costello: Start button to do what?
• Abbot: Shut down.
• Costello: You don't have to get rude!
• Abbot: No, no, no! That's not what I meant. Costello: Then say what you mean.
• Abbot: To shut down the computer, press-
• Costello: Don't say, "Start!"
• Abbot: Then what do you want me to say?
• Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
• Abbot: But that's what you do.
• Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
• Abbot: Don't be ridiculous.
• Costello: I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started this conversion.
• Abbot: What are you talking about?
• Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye

HOW SMART ARE YOU?

Read this sentence:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.

• Now count aloud the F's in that sentence. Count them ONLY ONCE.
• Do not go back and count them again. See below
• (keep on going)
• ANSWER: There are six F's in the sentence.
• One of the average intelligence finds three of them.
• If you spotted four, you're above average.
• If you got five, you can turn up your nose at most anybody.
• If you caught six, you are a genius!
• There is no catch. Most people forget the OFs. The human brain tends to see them as "Vs" instead of "Fs."

• A closed mouth ... gathers no foot !
• The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory !
• Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open.
• Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
• Some people drink deeply from the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
• Use your head ... it's the little things that count!
• Nothing is opened more often by mistake than the mouth!
• An idea is a curious thing. It won't work unless you do.
• Work smarter and not harder and be careful or your spelling.
• When in doubt ... figure it out !!!

Men/Women- The Difference

• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
• A successful women is one who can find such a man.
• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
• A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want.
• To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
• To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
• A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
• Men marry because they are tired.
• Women marry because they are curious. Both are disappointed.
• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
• A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her. A man, of the woman who he didn't.
• There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman, Before marriage and After marriage.
• Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy .One is to let her think she is having her own way, And the other is to let her have it.
• Married men live longer than single men.
• But married men are a lot more willing to die.
• Any married man should forget his mistakes. No use two people remembering the same thing.
• A woman has the last word in any argument.
• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

One Liners.....

• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
• I love defenceless animals, especially in a good gravy.
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• If you ain't making' waves, you ain't kicking' hard enough!.
• Support bacteria they're the only culture some people have.
• The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder....
• 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
• Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
• Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
• Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
• Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
• How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
• Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
• Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.
• Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
• For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
• OK, so what's the speed of dark?
• Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
• Black holes are where God divided by zero.
• All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
• I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
• I once tried to microwave instant coffee, and went back in time.

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling: "You sign! You sign!". Behind him is an enormous lorry full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you’ve obviously got the wrong bloke. Now go away" - and shuts the door in his face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back, with a huge lorry full of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson’s nose, yelling: "You sign! You sign!" Mr. Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, you’ve got the wrong bloke. I don’t want them!", then slams the door in his face again. The following day Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, hears a knock on the door again. Upon opening the door, the little Chinese man thrusts the same clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!". Behind him are TWO lorries full of car windscreens. Nelson loses his temper completely, picks the little man up by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don’t want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Chinese man looks at him a bit puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Main-dealer?

True story: Cigars and Insurance

Charlotte, NC man, having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires". The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued....and won. In delivering the ruling the judge, agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire", and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires". After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.