Humour Page 6

The evils of drink

• A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
• "Why, of course," comes the reply.
• The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
• "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
• The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
• "Of course," replies the second man.
• Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?
• "Dublin," comes the reply.
• "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
• "Of course," replies the second man.
• Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
• "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in 62."
• "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in 62 also."
• About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
• "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
• "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"

Golf Anyone?

1. A TOURING golf professional was having a drink at the club's bar when he was approached by a chap with a white cane and dark glasses who introduced himself as a golf champion. "I am champion of the Blind Golfers' Association and as one champion to another, I would like to challenge you to a match which could be a fundraiser for the blind." He said he didn't want any favours and told the pro he was keen to play for $50 a hole. The embarrassed pro tried to avoid the challenge, but the blind man was so insistent he finally agreed. "Okay, when will we play?" he asked. "Any night. Any night at all."

2. THIS middle-aged couple had played golf together for most of their married life. One night over the evening meal she mused: "If I die before you, will you get married again?" Although he was absorbed in the evening newspaper he muttered, 'I guess so." "Would you play golf with her?" 'I guess so," he mumbled. "Would you take her to our club?" "I guess so," he said. "Surely you wouldn't let her use my clubs?" "No, of course not. Anyway, she's left-handed!"

3. ONE golfer was taking so much care before driving from the fifth tee that his partner asked: "Why the concentration?" "I'm very anxious to make this shot a good one," said his partner. "My mother-in-law is down there in the clubhouse watching me." "Impossible," said his mate. "You could never hit her from this distance!"

4. TWO businessmen took time from the office to play a round of golf during their lunch break but were hampered by two women playing ahead and slowing their game. Finally one said, "Listen Jack, I'll go and ask if they mind if we play through." He had only gone a hundred metres before he turned and hurried back. He was visibly shaken. "Jack, you won't believe this," he said, "but those two women... one is my wife and the other is my mistress." Jack was a cool hand. "Listen Reg," he said. "Keep your head down while I approach them and we'll sneak past." Jack had only gone a hundred metres when he turned back. "Listen Reg, you won't believe this ..." he began.

5. HIS drive from the third tee sliced to the left of the fairway and the ball ended in an impossible lie in front of the greenkeeper's tractor shed. His wife summed up the situation. "No need to take a penalty shot darling," she said. "Just open the doors of the garage, push the tractor out, open the rear doors, and with a number three wood you could hit straight through the shed." "Brilliant, darling," he said. He took a mighty whack but the ball hit the rear of the building, cannoned back and struck his wife, stone dead. The following day he was playing the same hole and by sheer coincidence landed at the same place in front of the shed. "No need to take a penalty shot," said the caddie, "we can push the tractor out and open both sets of doors. You can hit straight through the shed." "No way," he said. "I tried that yesterday and ended up with a double bogey."

6. THERE were no caddies left when Fonsenby arrived at the clubhouse, but the manager said old George, sitting in the corner could do the job. "He has amazing vision. Has eyes like an eagle," said the manager. Fonsenby had his misgivings but he gave the old bloke the benefit of the doubt and hit his first drive a magnificent 500 metres down the fairway. "Did you see where that went?" he asked. "Of course I did," said the old bloke. "Good," said Fonsenby, "Where is it?" "I can't remember," said George.

7. WHEN the club secretary explained to Fred that he couldn't play because the course was fully booked out, Fred was more than upset. He had been a member for 20 years too. "Look," said Fred, "If the President of the United States lobbed here for a game today I bet you would make room for him." The secretary admitted that he would have to. "Well I just happen to know that he's in Washington today, so I'll take his place!"

8. KEVIN had made his money as a car salesman and had done so well he thought it was time to move up in society and join the golf club. On his first day he slashed and bashed his way around the course cutting divots from fairway and the greens alike. He left a trail of disaster. He was in the club dining room half way through dinner when he was tapped on the shoulder. "Excuse me," said the stern official. '~ am chairman of the green committee .." "Just the bloke I want to see," said the new member. "These Brussels sprouts are hardly fresh."

lawyers

1. What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off of you when you die.

2. Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

3. What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand.

4. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they mess up everything forever.

5. Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

6. Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

7. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane? Skeet.

8. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him? It might be your bicycle.

9. It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ... that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

10. A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

11. A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favourite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six- shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"

FACTS ABOUT WOMEN (anonymous)

1. Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.

2. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand".

3. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

4. Women need to feel there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.

5. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.

6. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.

7. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what they're doing. It might be the lottery calling.

8. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.

9. Women think all beer is the same.

10. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower.

11. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.

12. Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things "could" be.

13. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.

14. Women do *not* know anything about cars. "Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?"

15. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

16. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

17. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.

18. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'

19. "Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.

20a All women are overweight by definition, don't argue with them about it.

20b All women are overweight by definition, don't agree with them about it.

21. If it is not Valentines day, and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"

22. Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they "left the seat up" instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.

23. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.

FACTS ABOUT MEN

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.

3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.

10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

16. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older b) got a new job or c) visited a psychiatrist you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

17. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

23. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."

24. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Some- times they leave skid marks.

25. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super- heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

26. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

27. Men forget everything; women remember everything.

28. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

Animal heaven is great

Everyday an old alley cat would chase mice and eat them for dinner. As the mice died they went up to animal heaven where St. Saint Bernard, St. Peter's animal assistant, told the mice the rules of animal heaven. The most important rule is to make all the animals as comfortable as possible. Keeping this in mind, Saint Bernard suggested the mice have skateboards so they could get around easier, especially since they spent most of their life on earth running away from that old alley cat.

Time goes by and finally the old alley cat gives up the last of his nine lives. He is met in animal heaven by Saint Bernard and is told the rules. About a week later, Saint Bernard runs into the alley cat and asks how he likes animal heaven. The alley cat replied, "Animal heaven is great, especially that Meals on Wheels program.

Air Force pilots

This is a collection of complaints about various aircraft submitted by U.S. Air Force pilots, and the replies to those complaints from Air Force Mechanics. Each complaint in the log book must be followed by the mechanics report and sign-off.

• Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
• Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
• Problem: "Test Flight OK, except auto land very rough."
• Solution: "Auto land not installed on this aircraft."
• Problem#1: "No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid."
• Solution#1: "No. 2 propeller seepage normal."
• Problem#2: "No. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage."
• Problem: "The autopilot doesn’t"
• Solution: "It does now."
• Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
• Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
• Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on the right main landing gear."
• Solution: "Evidence removed."
• Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
• Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
• Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
• Solution: "Live bugs on order."
• Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
• Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
• Problem: "IFF inoperative.
• Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."
• Problem "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
• Solution: "That’s what they’re there for."
• Problem: "Number three engine missing."
• Solution: "Engine found under right wing after brief search."

What Causes Arthritis?

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the dishevelled guy turned to the priest and asked,

"Say, Father, what causes arthritis?""

"Mister," replied the priest, "It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be! ", the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he has said, nudged the man and apologised.

"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, father. I was just reading in the newspaper that the Pope does."

58 Actual Newspaper Headlines

• 1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
• 2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
• 3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
• 4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
• 5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
• 6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
• 7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
• 8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
• 9. Stud Tires Out
• 10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
• 11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
• 12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
• 13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
• 14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
• 15. Eye Drops off Shelf
• 16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
• 17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
• 18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
• 19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
• 20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
• 21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
• 22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
• 23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
• 24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
• 25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
• 26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
• 27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
• 28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
• 29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
• 30. War Dims Hope for Peace
• 31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
• 32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
• 33. Enfield's Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
• 34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
• 35. Deer Kill 17,000
• 36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
• 37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
• 38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
• 39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
• 40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
• 41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
• 42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
• 43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
• 44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
• 45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
• 46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
• 47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
• 48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
• 49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
• 50. Air Head Fired
• 51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
• 52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Under-sheriff
• 53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
• 54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
• 55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
• 56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
• 57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
• 58. Include your Children when Baking Cookies

The following people should have thought twice about what they were about to say !

• "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
• Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
• "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
• Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
• "I have travelled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
• The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
• "But what ... is it good for?"
• Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
• "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
• Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
• "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
• Western Union internal memo, 1876.
• "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
• David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
• "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
• A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service.
• (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
• "Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
• H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
• "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper."
• Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."
• "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."
• Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
• "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
• Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
• "Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
• Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
• "If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."
• Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M"Post-It" Notepads.
• "So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we' ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'"
• Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.
• "Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools."
• 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.
• "You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training."
• Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus.
• "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy."
• Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
• "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
• Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
• "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
• Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
• "Everything that can be invented has been invented."
• Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
• "Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction".
• Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
• "The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon".
• Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.
• "640K ought to be enough for anybody."
•  Bill Gates, 1981

The Ten Top Reasons when you know your Refrigerator May need Cleaning......

• 10. One too many visits from the Environmental Protection Agency.
• 9. Space aliens are claiming all rights to the contents of it.
• 8. You haven't had to buy penicillin in years.
• 7. You could swear you heard something move in there.
• 6. "Best before" dates are in Roman numerals
• 5. You don't remember buying that green cotton candy.
• 4. Your cheeselog has become a Chia Pet.
• 3. One glass of grape juice and you're hammered!
• 2. Cottage cheese or guacamole? You make the call! and the number 1 Sign Your Refrigerator May Need Cleaning...
• 1. Your milk carton has a photo of the Lindbergh baby.

The Computer Hillbillies
 (YOU MUST SING IT)

• Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
• A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
• But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
• Who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."
• Windows, that is... PC's... Workstations...
• Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer.
• The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here".
• They said "California is the place ya oughta be",
• So he bought some donuts and he moved to Silicon Valley...
• Intel, that is... Pentium ... big amusement park...
• On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
• Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
• They said "your project's late, but we know just what to do.
• Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"
• OT, that is... unpaid... mandatory...
• The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.
• Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.
• They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
• The answer was simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!"
• Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life...
• Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey.
• Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
• Waiting to retire when he turned 64,
• Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.
• Laid off, that is... de-briefed... unemployed...
• Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told,
• Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
• So gather up your friends and start your own firm,
• Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm.
• Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs...
• Y'all come back now... ya hear'

• A closed mouth ... gathers no foot !
• The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory !
• Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open.
• Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
• Some people drink deeply from the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
• Use your head ... it's the little things that count!
• Nothing is opened more often by mistake than the mouth!
• An idea is a curious thing. It won't work unless you do.
• Work smarder and not harder and be careful or yor spelling.
• When in doubt ... figure it out !!!
• Axioms of Computer Science ...
• Nothing is as easy as it looks.
• Everything takes longer than you think.
• In all areas of computer science, anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
• If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most difficulty will be the one to go wrong.
• Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
• Things get worse under pressure.
• THE NUMBER ONE RULE OF COMPUTER SCIENCE ...
• Never allow a computer system to know that you are in a hurry!!!
• The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.
• I/O, I/O, it's off to work we go ...
• It's always darkest before it's pitch black.
• Only a fool tests the depth of the water with both feet.
• For those who need help interpreting some of the terms that cross our path when dealing with the medical profession. We offer the following definitions

Medical Terminology for Laymen

• ANTIBODY: against everyone
• ARTERY: the study of fine paintings
• BACTERIA: back door to a cafeteria
• BANDAGES: The Rolling Stones
• BARIUM: what you do when CPR fails
• BENIGN: what you be after you be eight
• BOTULISM: tendency to make mistakes
• CARDIOLOGY: advanced study of poker playing
• CAT SCAN: searching for ones lost kitty
• CAUTERIZE: made eye contact with her
• COLIC: a sheep dog
• COMA: a punctuation mark
• DILATE: to live longer
• ER: the things on your head that you hear with
• FIBRILLATE: to tell lies
• GENES: blue denim slacks
• HANGNAIL: a coat hook
• ICU: peek-a-boo
• INPATIENT: tired of waiting
• LABOUR PAIN: hurt at work
• MINOR OPERATION: somebody else's
• MORBID: a higher offer
• NITRATE: lower than day rate
• NODE: was aware of
• OUTPATIENT: a person who has fainted
• PARALYSE: two far-fetched stories
• PATHOLOGICAL: a reasonable way to go
• PHARMACIST: person who makes a living dealing in agriculture
• POST-OPERATIVE: a letter carrier
• PROTEIN: in favour of young people
• RECOVERY ROOM: place to upholster furniture
• RED BLOOD COUNT: Dracula
• SALINE: where you go on your boat
• SECRETION: hiding anything
• SURGERY: a reason to get an uninterruptible power supply
• STERILE SOLUTION: not using the elevator during a fire
• TABLET: a small table
• TERMINAL ILLNESS: getting sick at the airport
• TRIPLE BYPASS: better than a quarterback sneak
• TUMOUR: an extra pair
• VARICOSE: very close

This is sent to remind skiers how to
prepare for the ski season and to remind
non-skiers why they do not ski.

10. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

9.Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.

8.For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

7.Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

6.Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.

5.Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

4.Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.

3.Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker!

2.Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday.

Grandma's Fruitcake Recipe

You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, two cups of flour, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts and a bottle of whiskey. Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.Make sure the whiskey is still okay.Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey again. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whiskey again and bo to ged.

34 Politically Correct Ways to Say Someone Is...

One sandwich short of a picnic Doesn't have both oars in the water. No toys in the attic. Light's on.....nobody home. No feeling above the shoulders. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. A few clowns short of a circus. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. A few beers short of a six-pack. A few peas short of a casserole. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl. One taco short of a combination plate. A few feathers short of a whole duck. All foam, no beer. The cheese slid off his cracker. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. An intellect rivalled only by garden tools. Chimney's clogged. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. Her sewing machine's out of thread. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. Missing a few buttons on his remote control. No grain in the silo. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Receiver is off the hook. Several nuts short of a full pouch. Skylight leaks a little. Slinky's kinked. Surfing in Nebraska. Too much yardage between the goal posts. Been diagnosed with "extra cranial hyper oxygenation".

Questions about love, marriage were posed to kids ages 5 to 10.
Their answers below are enlightening:

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?? "Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." (Judy, 8)

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife!" (Tom, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?? "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 10)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?? "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." (Kally, 9)

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?? "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!" (Lynette, 9)

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE "No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9)

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE "Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE "If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS "They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE "I'm in favour of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER "One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)

SOME SURE-FIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU "Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6)

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE? "Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." (John, 9)

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." (Brad, 8)

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are...on fire." (Christine, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU" "The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS "You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7)

"It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? "It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you...That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE "Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)

"Don't forget your wife's name...That will mess up the love." (Roger, 8)

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." (Randy, 8)

Housekeeping Tips

This is your chance to learn 15 Shortcuts to Good Housekeeping that your mother NEVER told you.

1: Door locks If a room clearly can't be whipped into shape in 30 days, much less thirty minutes, employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning. Tell everyone who tries to go in the room that you ACCIDENTALLY locked the door and can't find the key. Of course the locksmith can't possibly come until tomorrow. CAUTION: It is NOT advisable to use this tip for the bathroom. Time: 2 seconds

2: Duct tape No home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it handy for plumbing repairs, but it is GREAT to hem drapes, tablecloths, clothes, just about anything, no fuss, no muss. Time: 2-3 minutes

3: Ovens If you think ovens are just for baking, think again. Ovens represent at least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space, which means they're a great place to shove dirty dishes, dirty clothes, or just about anything you want to get out of sight when company's coming. Time: 2 minutes

4: Clothes dryers Like Secret Tip 3, except bigger. CAUTION: Avoid hiding flammable objects here. Time: 2.5 minutes

5: Washing machines & freezers. Like Secret Tip 4, except even bigger. Time: 3 minutes

6: Dust ruffles. No bed should be without one. Devotees of Martha Stewart believe dust ruffles exist to keep dust out from under the bed or to help coordinate the colourful look of a bedroom. The rest of us know a dust ruffle's highest and best use is to hide whatever you've managed to shove under the bed. {Refer to Secret Tips 3, 4, 5.} Time: 4 minutes.

7: Dusting The 30-minutes-To-A-Clean-House method says: Never dust under what you can dust around. Time: 3 minutes

8: Dishes Don't wash them. Use plastic and you won't have to. Time: 1 minute

9: Clothes washing This secret tip is brought to you by an inventive teenager. When this teen's mother went on a housekeeping strike for a month, the teen discovered you can extend the life of your underwear by two--if you turn it wrong side out and, yes, rerun it. CAUTION: This tip is recommended only for teens and those who don't care if they get in a car wreck. Time: 3 seconds

10: Ironing If an article of clothing doesn't require a full press and your hair does, a curling iron is the answer. In between curling your hair, use the hot wand to iron minor wrinkles out of your clothes. Yes, it really does work, or so I'm told, by other disciples of the 30-Minutes-To-A- Clean-House-Philosophy Time: 5 minutes {including curing your hair}

11: Vacuuming Stick to the middle of the room, which is the only place people look. Don't bother vacuuming under furniture, it takes too long and people do not look there anyway. Time: 5 minutes, entire house; 2 minutes, living room only

12: Lighting The key here is low, low, and lower. It's not only romantic, but bad lighting can HIDE a multitude of dirt. Time: 10 seconds

13: Bed making Get an old-fashion waterbed. No one can tell if those things are made up or not, saving you, oh, hundreds of seconds over the course of lifetime. Time: 0

14: Showers, toilets, sinks. Forget one and two. Concentrate on three. Time: 1 minute

15: If you already knew at least 10 of these tips, don't even think about inviting a Martha Stewart type to your home.

WHAT DO YOU REALLY MEAN

A motorcycle cop had just pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign. "May I see your driver's license and registration please."

"What's the problem, officer?"

"You just ran that stop sign back there."

"Oh come on, pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me."

"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution."

"You gotta be kidding me!"

"It's no joke, sir."

"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution."

"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and"

"You've got a lot of time on your hands, pal. What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?"

"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately."

"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop."

The policeman had enough. "Sir, I can do better than that." He opened the car door, dragged the rude motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.

"Now sir, would you like for me to slow down or come to a complete stop?

The Close Shave

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

• If you are obsessive-compulsive: Please press 1 repeatedly.

• If you are co-dependant: Please ask someone to press 2.

• If you have multiple personalities: Please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

• If you are paranoid-delusional: We know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace your call.

• If you are schizophrenic: Listen carefully, a little voice will tell you which number to press.

• If you are a manic depressive: It doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.